Will These Important Questions be Answered in the New Melania Doc?

Some legit inquiries as to what we should expect.

The highly-anticipated Melania documentary is being released this weekend. No doubt it will be bigger than the recent Taylor Swift Eras doc before moving to Amazon where it will likely bring down their servers and disrupt global commerce.

The question isn’t will it be the highest-grossing documentary every but the the biggest movie ever? Best documentary, picture, or both?

Because so many folks around the world were demanding a Melania documentary to go behind-the-glamorous-scenes with the best First Lady ever Jeff Bezo’s and Amazon reportedly spent a mere $75 million on the doc, the profits from which will likely catapult him ahead of Elon as the world’s richest man.

Because anticipation is at such a fever-pitch, Amazon has very smartly, in regards to marketing, decided not to show the film to critics before its big White House debut in the rubble where the theater used to be.

Because it’s being kept so secret, I’ve compiled a number of burning questions that I pray to Jesus will be answered when I finally get to see this soon-to-be classic.

Is there a scene in the new Melania doc where we see Jeffry initiating her into the Mile-High-Club because the director had special access to the Epstein files for hidden camera footage?

Is Melania planning on writing an Oscar speech or just steal something from Michelle Obama?

Is there a scene on the new Melania doc where an Hispanic maid sets down two sunny-side-up eggs and Melania spots a white spec and yells I say no cock sperm! and grabs the crystal pitcher of orange juice and bashes her in the head?

We then cut to the trash chute as Melania stuffs the body in and says You not Einstein, you are from the shit hole country! as the maid slides down.

Is that just in the Director’s Cut?

In the new Melania doc does Director Brett Ratner also get credit as Rape Consultant?

In the new Melania doc is it revealed that Melania’s life-changing Be Best campaign was actually derived from an aid who asked her what her role had always been with Donald and she replied be breast?

Is there a scene in the new Melania doc with Melania, Epstein, and Barron where Jeff says something like we’ll he could ask his father… and strange music plays like on Arrested Development with Oscar and Buster?

In the new Melania doc does Melania discuss her one-minute love making sessions with Donald and confirmation of his micro penis, and if so on either are theater chains providing barf buckets?

Is there a scene in the new Melania doc of a wedding reception at The Plaza where a doe-eyed Melania is standing with Donald looking around the room and spots Playboy bunny Karen McDougal.

She squints as hard as possible and suddenly lasers shoot out but miss the bunny and blow up a four-tier wedding cake.

Melania rubs her eyes but they are now just frozen slits. And then she says to Donald: You have ruined Melania with breaking of vows and philanthropy even though she means philandering?

Is there a scene in the new Melania doc where she goes through a book of Polaroid shots of children and teens to choose which ones she wants Donald to rape? Or is that just implied?

In the new Melania doc is her acting better than how she tries to pretend she doesn’t hate her husband?

Is there a montage in the new Melania doc where she keeps finding brown stains around the house — a big one on the bed, on the couch, the gold-plated dinning room chair, and finally a pair of pants draped over a chair in front of the bathroom and Melania walks into the steam with the shower running and throws up her arms and says Don-ald you’re tent hole leaking everywhere in apartment!?

Is there any security footage in the new Melania doc of her in the bathroom of a Slovenian discotheque doing a line of blow while getting railed by a modeling agent and another women comes in the bathroom and she just looks over and yells I go America! before letting out a squeal?

Is there a scene in the new Melania doc with some old home movies when Barron was a toddler and Melania comes around the corner and in the twinkling lights from the Christmas tree catches her adorable little boy curled up with dad laying on the couch as he finishes the last page of The Night Before Christmas and he says gently I think this one’s all tuckered out..?

In the new Melania doc does the First Lady confirm if she’s the only one who has ever called him “daddy” during his very special five minutes?

In the new Melania doc is there a scene where a photo shoots runs long and Melania has to take a limo to a Brooklyn courthouse wearing her skin-tight, breast-pushing Maxim dress.

Then she has to squeeze into a desk in a basement classroom with a bunch of nerdy and professor types from all over the world and as the administrator passes out the Einstein tests she turns an older Indian man in traditional garb and asks in her perfect English: You give Melania answer?

In the new Melania doc is there any talk about the possibility of bringing the movie back for midnight screenings like The Rocky Horror Picture Show, but instead of yelling a bunch of different things based on the film people just scream WHORE every time Melania shows up in a scene?

Does the Melania doc include some Epstein footage where the camera catches her watching Trump rape children or does it just cut to a montage of her buying clothes on 5th Avenue at the same time?

Does the Melania doc include a scene when Tim Burton came to the White House to collab on decorations? Maybe the subhead to the film or tagline could be The Nightmare Before Dictatorship?

In the new Melania doc does Melania muse about her entire childhood in Slovenia or just the lies she told about it?

In the new Melania doc do we learn if a post-coital hosing down is part of the legally-mandated White House conjugal visits?

In the new Melania doc I’m sure they’ll have subtitles for the five, or six, or 20 other languages our brilliant First Lady speaks. Just wondering about the English?