Newsletter 4: The Broad Daylight Break In
Musk & his DOGE Bros | Trump Gaza Leak | More SNL + Jazz Mix
Hello all and Happy Sunday,
This weeks newsletter is pretty long, so let’s get right to it!
Of Musk and (Barely Legal) Men
Because we’re all living in some variation of dog years now, it’s hard to believe that it wasn’t too long ago that I had pretty positive feeling about Elon Musk.
I was a fan of Tesla because EVs are the future, Space X seemed cool, and proposals like super-fast tunnel trains and the like were intriguing. I may not have bought into the idea that Musk was in the mold of Thomas Edison, but I would have agreed that he was a visionary.
It wasn’t until he started getting political and fighting with Twitter that I took the time do some research on Musk. I didn’t have to go much past Wikipedia to learn that Musk was nothing like I’d thought.
After getting his start by millions given to him by his very creepy dad, I discovered Elon wasn’t in the visionary game as much as he was taking over companies and claiming that vision as his own. And once his political views started they went from 0-60 faster than any car he was producing things got even worse. Suddenly Musk was blowing up (Tesla joke #2 here) on the right and his posts became more and more conspiratorial and crazy.
What was all the more shocking was how many of his posts were so easily debunked. It was confounding how this supposed genius was unable or unwilling to do any cursory fact-checking of the shit he was putting out there.
It was around that time (in a bit of overheated rhetoric) that I wrote that Musk had the ability to be a true James Bond super villain. Who knew that would ramp up so quickly. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised to learn that he has a secret lair inside a dormant volcano accessible only by submarine where he houses even more kids named after symbols.
Jokes aside, it’s simply breathtaking to think about what Musk did this week.
I’ll focus on the biggest crime — Musk and his minions gaining access to the Bureau of the Fiscal Service. I had never heard of the bureau, and you likely hadn’t either. But, it’s the Venmo of the federal government — responsible for cutting every check the feds send out, and all the deeply personal data that goes with that.
If this was the original Star Wars it would the random lever in the middle of the Death Star that Obi Wan needed to pull down to shut off all its defenses. It’s one, if not the, most tightly controlled systems in our government — something never before subjected to partisan politics, let alone accessed by this band of code wilding losers.
If you haven’t heard, the system was infiltrated by Musk’s band of young DOGE Bros — the Department of Government Efficiency, the acronym a nod to his crypto company. That’s his sketchy “kids” age nineteen to twenty-five who have no security clearance whatsoever. Getting anywhere near this info is beyond frightening.
What data were they getting and what do they plan to do with it? The seriously terrible scenarios that leap to mind are all super scary to the point of catastrophic.
I guess we’ll see, but I doubt we’re all getting birthday cards from the Musk Bros.
The Art of the Steal
While Musk may be the proverbial Trojan horse, the elected president is, of course, doing his thing too. Much like the Treasury Department break-in, one thing especially jumped out at me this week as having serious consequences down the road.
Trump again called for the U.S. to create a Sovereign Wealth Fund and said it could be used to buy TikTok.
Just imagine that for a moment.
The Executive Branch controlling what would essentially be a MAGA propaganda network. Yes, we do have the Voice of America media network which was established to promote U.S. interests during WWII and continued throughout the Cold War to get news to citizens behind the Communist Iron Curtain. I guess you could technically call VOA propaganda, but it’s always been truthful. Trump TikTok wouldn’t be anything like that, that I can tell you.
The other thing that jumped out at me regarding a Trump slush fund relates to the tragic news that came out of the White House when War Criminal Benjamin Netanyahu came by to kiss Trumps ass. And it wasn’t just a peck on the cheek.
What came out of that meeting was what we all knew would happen — the tragic end of any hope for a two-state solution between Israel and the Palestinians and the likely demise of Gaza as Palestinian territory with the West Bank on the chopping block next.
For starters, congratulations again to all the supporters of Palestine (especially here in Michigan) who couldn’t bring themselves to vote for Kamala Harris. How stubborn and stupid they all are and each and every one of them should be considered personally responsible for the unthinkable suffering that’s going to happen no matter what exact course of action materializes.
On the slush fund side of things, it’s well within the realm of possibility that Trump uses it to develop Gaza while in the White House.
Don’t believe something as crazy as that could happen? Well, I got my hands on a draft of a Trump Organization press release that they have ready to roll. I can’t reveal my source, but I’ll let you decide on its validity…
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
February 9, 2025
The Trump Organization Building the Best Resort in the World
NEW YORK, New York — There’s never been a more exciting to be a part of the world of Trump!
President Donald J. Trump has done more in two weeks than any president in history. Especially Sleepy Joe Biden and the black one. From pardoning the J6 hostages to stopping the woke/gay army that was coming to turn your children — he’s already the best president in American history, and likely the best leader in the history of the world!
And while he would never brag about it, just last week at Mar-a-Largo, in between saving the world from his golf cart, President Trump jumped out long enough to shoot three holes in one in a row!
Is there nothing this man can’t do?
And in one of the biggest deals ever — probably bigger than the Louisiana Purchase — President Trump solved the Gaza problem that they said could never be solved. That’s where the Trump Organization comes in. To do our part supporting President Trump not only Make America Great Again, but to make the World Great Again!
The Trump Organization is PROUD to announce the TRUMP GAZA CASINO RESORT & MARINA.
Now that President Trump and Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu have announced their brilliant Gaza plan we can let it be known that the Trump Organization — led by Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump with Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner — have been furiously working for months to make this world-class destination for the global elite a reality!
TRUMP GAZA CASINO RESORT & MARINA will be a destination like no other.
With a high-roller casino better than anything in Monte Carlo, the best marina, golf courses, and beaches in the Mediterranean AND the Trump attention to quality and luxury you’ve come to expect, Gaza will rise from the rubble to become the most fantastic resort in the world!
But that’s only the beginning.
The Trump Organization is proud to announce they have hired Thomas Jennings, former lead Disney Imagineer to put a unique spin on Trump Gaza for elites of every age. A genius mind, many know that Jennings was cancelled at his former woke company following a series of politically-motivated and fake sexual harassment accusations. With that liberal madness behind him Tommy is already neck-deep in work on Trump Gaza.
“I have never been so excited for anything in my storied career as I am working for President Donald Trump and the brilliant people at the Trump Organization,” Jennings said. “I may be famous for being a Disney Imagineer, but to tell you the truth, most of these ideas came straight from the genius mind of President Trump when I had the opportunity to briefly talk to him between campaign stops in what ended up being the biggest electoral win in American history. It’s a true blessing to be in his presence.”
The most visually striking aspect of Trump Gaza will be a 300-foot statue of President Trump astride the entrance of the marina that can accommodate the largest of mega-yachts. The 24-karat-gold-platted statue is based on the Colossus of Rhodes, one of the famous ancient Wonders of the World.
“The statue was my idea, and President Trump originally didn’t want to do it,” Jennings said. “But I thought it was important not only for the resort, but as a symbol of how President Trump has made Middle East Peace a reality. At some point I had literal tears in my eyes and said sir, you’ve got to do this for humanity.”
Begrudgingly convinced, the statue will dwarf (indeed double) the original, welcoming only the best boats.
“Trump Gaza will be under the authority of our organization,” said Trump Org. President Donald Trump Jr. “No country will have legal jurisdiction over the resort, as it should be. That means we want to welcome all the Russia, Russia, Russia yachts we can. There will be no global witch hunt or potential boat seizures at Trump Gaza.”
Based on President Trump’s initial thoughts, Thomas Jennings has been working overtime coming up with original concepts that bring in the history of the area, much like his work at EPCOT.
“At Disney we make everything up,” Jennings said. “But, President Trump, from our first meeting, said we needed to incorporate present-day Gaza into the theme park aspects of the resort. I’ll never forget when he said Rubble Coaster to me.”
The Rubble Coaster promises to be the biggest thrill attraction at Trump Gaza. Not only the longest, fastest, highest roller coaster in the world, but the most unique. The Rubble Coaster will weave its way around, through, and even under some of the current bombed-out buildings respectfully beyond view of the resort.
Escorted by IDF Special Forces with military operations still ongoing, Jennings visited Gaza last summer to draw inspiration. He said that he’s looking to recreate a coaster and a real-world, never-before-seen in thrill park rides. Part of that real world for Jennings was the smell.
“There’s nothing quite like the mixed smell of rotting bodies, spent ammunition and gunpowder, fuel, smoke, and just that general smell of fresh rubble,” he said. “I’m committed to leave everything as is. But, the problem is that over time, these smells fade.”
Jennings partnered with a cutting-edge company that is the best in the smell business.
“It’s going to smell as real as possible,” Jennings said. “We can amp up the smell of rotting corpses from one to eleven. And all the other fun factors of the ride. And of course, with this new olfactory technology there’s no toxicity involved.”
Jennings also mentioned real Palestinian actors being part of the ride at key moments.
“We go through a section where these real, young Arab kids seriously look like they’re going to hit you with a Molotov cocktail just before the coaster dives below into a Hamas tunnel,” Jennings said.
There was initial talk of having injured refugees sprinkled throughout the attraction, but Jennings said, while authentic, President Trump didn’t think it worked. “He wanted to up the fear factor with the crisis actors, and said the maimed and injured would only bring people down. As usual, he was right.”
The finale of the Rubble Coaster approximates a full-on Israeli air strike on a terrorist compound.
“It’s like nothing you’ve ever seen,” he said. “The explosions and fire, the wailing victims. It’s like your part of the righteous invasion.”
Eric Trump said the use of real Palestinians throughout Trump Gaza is a testament to his father’s values for Gaza and the Arab world. Because President Trump cares so much about the people, an elite few will be taken out of the deportation process to shine in a whole new Gaza.
“We have been dealing with people like those in Gaza for decades, Eric said. “Mostly Mexicans and Puerto Ricans, but, pretty much same thing. We know how to determine the ones who want to both shine and also know their place.”
Lucky Palestinians chosen to work at Trump Gaza will be given non-tent, three-wall minimal housing that is likely better than many have ever experienced. They will also be paid more than twice the average refugee camp wages.
“We want to thank and celebrate these amazing people,” Eric said. “Especially the ones that look the part.”
While the Rubble Coaster is geared for brave teens and adults, there’s plenty of attractions to keep the kids occupied. Camel Rides, the Hamas Tunnel Maze, and plenty of games of chance where lucky kids can test their skills and win Trump Meme Coins and DOGE crypto.
For the full family there’s even an Oasis Water Slide and the Old-Time Arab Market where everyone can actually haggle on the price of any number of Arab trinkets and Trump-branded items. There are also a number of authentic market restaurants, all of which allow diners to watch real Palestinian children assemble MAGA merch behind the safety of thick, soundproof glass.
While Thomas Jennings may put the family in Trump Gaza, DTJ understands that the resort must be much, much more to attract the true elite.
“I’ve heard what stays in Vegas all my damn life,” Don Jr said. “That’s fine and good. But give me a completely sovereign territory, above and beyond any legal interference and I’ll show you the best time ever. And you can shoot all the video you want. What happens at Trump Gaza doesn’t have to stay in Trump Gaza.”
The Gaza After Hours fun begins with a partnership with the folks that brought you the wildly-popular The Empire Strips Back burlesque show. Don Jr. immediately saw the inherent sexiness of translating that to a Trump Gaza show.
“It’s even hotter, isn’t it,” he asked. “Put those women in their jihad on top and naked on the bottom. It’s like a brother-sister forbidden fruit thing.”
Given the near total immunity of Trump Gaza, Don Jr. hints at exclusive VIP experiences reserved for the very few.
“We’re going to have a Sultan for a Night tent experience that you can only imagine,” Don said. “There are off-book operations that can give you an experience with a numbers of ladies. But, they can’t give you totally-authenticated, NDA-bound virgins like we will. As dad would say, that I can tell you.”
While Trump Meme Coins and crypto are not accepted as payment at Trump Gaza, Eric Trump assured future clients that the casino is flush and all money operations are legitimate as Allen Weisselberg will be heading financial operations.
“Why wouldn’t we want to put our best money Jew in charge in the land of the Jews,” he asked. “That’s a no-brainer. Plus, he probably should leave the United States. At least New York.”
Allen has already moved to Israel to manage operations on the ground. Beyond his role as CFO he will also spearhead a programs for high-rollers in Israel and beyond branded the “VI-Jew” that includes a non-permanent tattoo that gives all VIJs access to all areas of the resort. If a planned West Bank expansion happens that’s “from the river to the sea” access for the elite Chosen Ones.
Does it all sound to good to be true?
Sadly, without you it might be.
Beyond funds from the Trump Sovereign Wealth Fund we need YOUR help to make Trump Gaza a reality! Don’t let the UN and global Deep State stop OUR resort.
Are you willing to help President Trump and his amazing family?
Donate and become a VIP with exclusive gifts:
DONATE $100 — Put yourself in drawing to get one of the first MAGA hats made in Gaza!
DONATE $250 — Get your chance to win a GAZA-MAGA hat signed by President Trump.
DONATE $500 — Get all of the above AND a personalized voice mail message from Eric Trump himself!
DONATE $1000 — Get all of the above AND exclusive Trump Gaza renderings signed by former Imagineer Tom Jennings.
DONATE $500,000 — Our special Gaza Sheik program gets you all of the above, plus very specific discounts and bonus tent experiences called Your Intifada that will simply blow your mind!
ACT NOW before all the VIP and VIJ slots at TRUMP GAZA CASINO RESORT & MARINA are taken!
Culture Club: More SNL Sketches | Sunday Jazz Playlist
When I wrote that Gaza press release I was doing it to try to bring a little comedy to the newsletter. But, re-reading it and damn that was what you call dark humor.
Oh, well, I guess it’s a sign of the times.
It was also long, and the Substack overlords are warning me that this newsletter is going beyond the recommended word count. I’m going to hold something for next week — some cabin fever bing-worthy shows — and keep this brief.
I’ve added five more funny ha ha sketches to the SNL collection. You can watch them here.
Thought I’d do a nice jazz mix that might help lower your stress levels. I probably haven’t helped.
Till next week!
— M